By Thomas A. Parmalee
Gail Rubin, 65, may be able to put a Before I Die Festival into a box, but you’d be hard pressed to put her into a box.
She’s not a licensed funeral director, she’s not a traditional supplier to the death-care profession and she’s not a preneed salesperson.
But with that said, she knows as much about funeral service as almost anyone, she provides an array of services to funeral homes, crematories and cemeteries and her clients have handsomely boosted preneed sales.
If there is a word that describes her, it would have to be pioneer, which is fitting since you’ll usually find her brightening one of her New Mexico haunts or strutting around a convention floor in flashy cowboy boots.
Rubin is that rare individual who has carved out a niche in death care that is entirely her own – one that will be very difficult if not impossible to fill if she ever makes a departure.
Fortunately, that day may be far into the future – if it ever comes at all – as we are talking about a woman who wrote a book for people who don’t plan to die. Yes, we may be lucky enough to have Rubin with our death-care family for a long, long time.
FuneralVision.com recently caught up with Rubin, who shared how she went from enjoying a successful career in television to becoming the “Doyenne of Death,” blazing a trail all her own amid Death Cafés, a flurry of books and a series of festivals that have informed the masses about funeral service and rituals surrounding death.
You earned your degree in communications, worked at C-SPAN and then you worked at a communications firm for many years. What initially drew you to thanatology and the death-care field?
In 2000, my husband David Bleicher and I got married in a very creative Jewish Western wedding in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Everyone had such a good time, I wanted to write a book about creative life cycle events and call it “Matchings, Hatchings and Dispatchings,” about weddings, births and deaths. I got to write a monthly feature by that name in the Albuquerque Tribune. The stories about death and funerals got the most reader response. There are already plenty of creative wedding planning books, but 15 years ago, there wasn’t much on creative funeral planning. So, I focused on funerals, and that changed the course of my career.
Thinking back to my college experience, I think I was meant to do what I’m doing now. I majored in film and communications at the University of Maryland, College Park. In a film production class, one assignment called for everyone to make a three-minute, black-and-white 8mm film project, titled “The Bubblegum Film.”
My film was a satire of the opening of the classic 1957 Ingmar Bergman film, “The Seventh Seal.” A medieval knight wakes up on a beach at dawn. Death has come for the knight, and to fend off his own demise, he challenges Death to a game of chess. As long as the knight wins, he gets to live. In “The Bubblegum Film,” Death (played by Bob, my boyfriend and future ex-husband) doesn’t know how to play chess, but he loves bubblegum. They agree to abide by the fortunes in the wrappers. At the end, Death wins. He puts his arm around the knight’s shoulder, they walk down the beach, and Death starts skipping.
Considering what I do now, bringing a light touch to a dark topic using films and humor, I think I was always meant to be a thanatologist. By the way, “The Bubblegum Film” is available on YouTube.
When did your interest in thanatology and death go from being a curiosity or interest to something that you decided you could pursue as a calling, career and livelihood? Was that realization sudden … or was it something gradual that occurred over time?
It was a gradual transition. I realized my skills in public relations and event planning could be used to promote planning ahead for end-of-life issues. I became a licensed insurance agent, started my own publishing company, learned about getting sponsors for my projects, became a certified funeral celebrant and built the business up over time. It helped that my husband had a job as a schoolteacher, and I had paid off the mortgage on my house when I turned 50.
How many funeral homes, crematories, cemeteries and suppliers do you directly work/consult with – what services do you provide and why should they work with you?
Over the years, I’ve worked with many companies in the funeral field, including those that provide marketing and advertising to funeral homes, crematories and cemeteries. I can help with creative communications and outside-the-box activities that bring future customers into your facilities. I’ve done Movie Night at the Funeral Home, one-day Before I Die Festivals, The Newly-Dead Game in various settings, and I have been a featured speaker at on-site events. By using humor to break down resistance to discussing death far in advance of a death in the family, companies can fill their preneed pipelines.
Do you have anyone else on your team, or do you rely on freelancers/contractors?
It’s mostly just me. My husband was my graphic designer, but I now use freelancers and volunteers to help with the Before I Die New Mexico Festival.
What drives you in your daily work – what is your why?
Every day, I find a way to use my creativity to expand the conversation about end-of-life issues and encourage people to act and plan. I’m not morbid, death is a fact of life. And especially since I personally experienced the benefits of having pre-planned, I want to get more people to do this.
You were recently recognized by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with its prestigious Community Educator Award at the organization’s annual conference in Houston on April 11, 2024. How gratifying is it to be recognized, and why was this award in particular so special?
I joined ADEC 15 years ago when I was writing my first end-of-life planning book that changed the course of my career, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. The people I have met through the organization are notable thought leaders in thanatology, the study of death, dying and bereavement. To be recognized for my innovations in community education about death by this prestigious group was incredibly gratifying. I’m not an academic, but this organization recognized that the kind of education I provide is meaningful and effective.
You are the author of numerous books … which one was the hardest for you to write, and why?
So far, I have written A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips, Kicking the Bucket List: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die, and The Before I Die Festival in a Box. Probably the first one, A Good Goodbye, was the hardest, collecting information on a range of issues. While things have changed over 15 years since it came out, it has held up remarkably well. I included information on alkaline hydrolysis and other early funeral trends. I’m pondering a second edition with updates to include natural organic reduction, updated cremation statistics and other developments.
Which is your bestselling book? Why do you think that book is so popular?
A Good Goodbye has won awards and it’s got great enduring information. It applies my event planning advice to the party no one wants to plan. It’s also the only planning book out there that describes funeral traditions for various religions and cultures.
Are you working on any future books – or what might you consider writing about next?
I’ve been working on a book about my husband Dave’s unexpected death from medical complications after prostate surgery, how planning ahead helped make a difficult time easier to bear, and the first year coping after his death. It will also include my 93-year-old father’s death, how our choice of hospice for Dave influenced my dad, and my in-law’s flirtation with medical aid-in-dying and hospice.
When did you hold your first Before I Die festival – and how many have you held to date?
I first found out about Before I Die festivals in 2016 and held my first one in Albuquerque in 2017. I have held six in New Mexico, working on the seventh in 2024. The 2018 festival was recognized with the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association’s KIP Award for best event. I’ve also been involved with events with funeral homes and cemeteries in El Paso, Texas, Bakersfield, California, and Dayton, Ohio. There’s more information about Before I Die festivals at www.BeforeIDieFestivals.com.
Why would it make sense for a funeral home or cemetery to team up with you on a Before I Die festival … and if they do, what would that look like? What would you do and what would they do?
Before I Die Festivals provide a range of activities and speakers at a funeral home or cemetery that get people to your locations without having to experience a death in the family. It’s an upbeat educational opportunity to address people’s curiosity. It’s also a lead generating opportunity. One funeral home generated over $100,000 in preneed sales in the week after holding a festival. In addition to being a featured speaker at a festival, I can hold Death Cafes, legally show Mortality Movies, help plan the schedule of events, promote the event to my thousands of online followers and do media interviews to promote the event.
For funeral homes who want to do it on their own without your involvement, what options are there for them?
The Before I Die Festival in a Box includes the book that provides guidance for holding a festival, the Newly-Dead Game and Newly-Dead Bingo, guidance for holding Death Cafes, short and long planning forms and the 4-DVD set of the TV interview series, A Good Goodbye. The purchase also includes an hour of consulting time with me. To legally show movies at your location, you need an Umbrella license from the Motion Picture Licensing Corporation (www.MPLC.org). While I’ve never come across any movie license police, you don’t want to mess with Hollywood attorneys.
You recently lost your husband as well as your father. Has it been hard to continue working while coping with their deaths … or has it rather brought more meaning to your work?
My husband’s and father’s deaths in April and August of 2023 were initially a blow. I suspended my podcast work for the year, but I still had a Before I Die New Mexico Festival in October. Sharing their stories has helped me and my audiences. We had preplanned and prepaid for their funeral arrangements. Telling about implementing those plans as The Doyenne of Death brings a deeper meaning and impact. I’ll admit, I cry a little when I tell their stories.
You are also a big participant in the Death Café movement. How many do you typically do a year – and are funeral homes involved? Do you think more funeral homes should participate in Death Cafés, and if so, how? And if they should NOT participate, what should they know about them?
I was the first person in the U.S. west of the Mississippi to hold a Death Café, in Albuquerque in September 2012. I’ve done them monthly most of that time since, pivoting to online events during the pandemic. The reception centers in funeral homes are a great place to hold Death Cafes. I’ve held them in funeral homes during Before I Die festivals. Just know that the ground rules for holding an event and calling it a Death Café call for no selling or leading people to a specific course of action. The guidelines are available online.
People can buy all sorts of merchandise on your website, such as urns, cremation jewelry, etc. Is there a particular vendor you are working with – and how can others sell items on your store, if applicable?
The cremation products online store is hosted by UPD Urns. I also offer my books, T-shirts, note cards, DVDs and The Newly-Dead Game in my Stuff to Die For online store. I’m open to working with folks who have interesting products they’d like to offer to the public through my site.
You also have The Doyenne of Death Podcast, which features interviews about death, grief, funerals, and mortality. What has been your favorite episode?
Since I revived the podcast, I did a three-part interview with speaker and author Greg Bennick. He is working on a biography of Ernest Becker, author of the Pulitzer Prize-winning book, The Denial of Death. We had an incredible wide-ranging conversation about humans’ perception of self-esteem, mortality and immortality, the Pearls Before Swine cartoons of Stephan Pastis, and humor and death.
What is one idea, offering or product you have introduced that you thought would be a slam dunk that did not resonate? And what did you learn from that?
Years ago, I did a series of Mortality Minute audio spots for funeral homes to sponsor radio advertising. Each was a 60-second mini-program providing a light look at serious subjects related to death, funerals and developing trends in end-of-life issues. Each episode included a 10-second slot for a customized sponsor’s message at the end. Only one funeral home bought into the program. I guess radio wasn’t considered a good bet for funeral advertising. But I’m willing to revisit the program if someone wants to give it a try!
What do you want your final goodbye to look like and how do you hope you will be remembered after you are gone?
I will have a wicker basket casket from Passages International and a Jewish funeral. I would like the song “All Star” by Smash Mouth played: “Only shooting stars break the mold.” I’d like to be remembered as a pioneer in helping people talk about death and plan for our 100% mortality. And hopefully they will say that I was a nice person and a snappy dresser.
You are also working on an upcoming TV series, Mortality Movies. Tell us a little bit about it, when will it start and where can people watch it?
Mortality Movies is a 30-minute program with three death educators discussing topics such as funerals, grief, and related end-of-life topics. During each episode, several film clips will be shown related to that episode’s topic. The expert panel will discuss the film clips and share information that can help audiences understand end-of-life issues and plan for our 100% guaranteed mortality.
We are recording the series in Albuquerque’s Studio 519 this summer. It will initially be available on cable access channels in Albuquerque and in other markets, and episodes will become available on YouTube. Subscribe to my YouTube channel, @GailRubin, to be alerted to new episodes!
Do you have any final thoughts to share?
My motto is, “Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead. Start a conversation today.” I hope to speak with funeral homes, cemeteries, and crematories soon about ways we can fill your preneed pipeline!
Follow FuneralVision.com on LinkedIn.
Follow FuneralVision.com on X.
Follow FuneralVision.com on Facebook.
Comments (2)