By Thomas A. Parmalee
Jason Troyer still remembers the words that launched him into a career serving deathcare professionals.
The grief educator, social media specialist and former psychology professor who taught at Maryville College in Maryville, Tennessee for almost 15 years, was at a grief conference to present research findings.
He found himself talking to a room with only a dozen people, which led him to a sobering conclusion. “I realized that I had spent over a year on a research project that would help no one – because they wouldn’t hear about it,” he said.
Luckily, however, at that same conference, he sat down for lunch meeting with Lynn Gibson, who is the managing partner of Smith Life & Legacy in Maryville, which encompasses a funeral and cremation service, an event center and Grandview Cemetery.
“He asked me to review his current grief support resources,” said Troyer, who earned a Doctor of Philosophy in counseling psychology from the University of Kansas.
Troyer said he thought the resources were outdated, which led to Gibson saying the words that changed everything: If you write something, I will buy it from you and give it to every family who walks in my door.
“That sentence launched everything – and I couldn’t be more thankful,” Troyer said. “I was thrilled at the idea of actually writing something that would help the recently bereaved.”
Since that day about 15 years ago, Troyer, a devoted family man with three daughters living in the foothills of east Tennessee near Great Smoky Mountain National Park, has dedicated his entire being to giving funeral homes and cemeteries tools to help the bereaved, paving the way for them to boost market share in the process.
In addition to being a popular speaker at funeral homes and deathcare meetings throughout the country, he is the co-founder of Healing Path Cemetery, which helps cemeteries generate more leads and engagement from the community. He also offers Facebook branding services for funeral homes and cemeteries and a variety of grief booklets.
FuneralVision.com recently connected with Troyer to learn more about some of the misconceptions deathcare professionals have about grief, how they can better serve families mourning loved ones, self-care and more.
From a psychologist’s perspective, what do most deathcare professionals misunderstand about how grief shows up in families after the funeral?
One of the biggest misconceptions that most Americans have is that grief is a lifelong process.
I often use the example that we would never ask parents of a newborn, “Has your life returned to normal yet?” Any parent knows that their life is now late nights, worrying over this precious child, and that their life is forever changed. But we seem to expect the bereaved to eventually get back to where they were before their loss – and that just isn’t realistic. We think about our lost loved ones forever.
This has huge implications for opportunities to connect. Too many funeral homes and cemeteries focus exclusively on educating families about their options and preplanning. To be sure, this is important. But it is even more important to show them that you understand that grief is a lifelong process. For example, Valentine’s Day, and their anniversary, and Christmas are forever different for a widower. We can do a better job of connecting with the bereaved, establishing trust, and then educating them about their options and our unique value.
How has grief changed in the past decade — particularly with delayed funerals (in the context of the pandemic, especially), digital memorialization, etc.?
It has. There seems to be less urgency to gather together for a funeral within a week after a loss. We’ve seen so many families state that they will plan an event at a later date – and some of these events never happen. I worry that there is a lot of people who feel “unfinished” because there was no clear beginning to their grief journey.
What emotional needs are families bringing into funeral homes today that staff are often not trained to recognize?
The biggest challenge for most staff is letting go of the need to “fix” the bereaved. When a bereaved mother cries in front of us, we often feel we need to “do something” to help them feel better. This is a completely unrealistic expectation, and it sets us up for failure. We mistakenly try to cheer them up, encourage them to find something to be grateful for, or shift into “professional” mode and change the subject.
There are times when you need to put your pen and clipboard down and listen and be fully present with the bereaved. This isn’t easy, but it is the best thing a deathcare professional can do at that moment. The bereaved remember people who “get it” and don’t try to fix them.
In your experience, what are the biggest psychological risks when grief goes unsupported after services conclude?
There are several serious psychological risks that can arise when grief is unsupported. This can include the abuse of substances to numb the emotional pain, overworking to avoid feeling the loss and feeling stuck in one’s grief.
Funeral directors and cemetery staff absorb a tremendous amount of emotional stress. What are the warning signs of compassion fatigue you see most often in deathcare teams?
One of the biggest signs of compassion fatigue is the inability to feel a sense of accomplishment after a job well done. Everyone has busy days and weeks. But those in danger of burning out no longer feel “fed” by their work. Conversely, those that are doing well may go home and feel tired at the end of a long day, but they feel a sense of accomplishment for helping those families. When you lose this, you are almost definitely on the path to burnout.
You offer what you call the Healing Path Cemetery System. What is it – and how can it help cemeteries?
The Healing Path Cemetery System helps bring people back to cemeteries to have meaningful experience while also introducing your options in a gentle way. We help cemeteries create “grief stations” and a customized app that provide digital rituals to help people on their grief journey, reinforce the unique power of the cemetery space, and promote permanent memorialization. The app and supporting materials include a lot of short videos, so we also provide the cemetery with a lot of engaging social media content. We have just created several specific options for Catholic cemeteries.
What about pricing … can most firms afford it?
While many app developers charge $5,000 to $20,000 for a customized app, we don’t charge any set-up fee. In fact, we will create a demo that is customized to a cemetery for free for them to review, without obligation to take the next step. For a single location cemetery with a customized app and social media assistance, we charge $495/month. We feel that is a great value considering our goals of increasing cemetery visits, delivering leads, showcasing your cemetery options, and providing videos for social media.
The cemetery has full control of how much the stations cost. The cemetery can use their own sign company and can use their own benches, or we can help them with some options. For under $2,000, a cemetery could be started with a fully functioning Healing Path in about a month.
You offer many booklets that funeral homes can leverage to educate families on their options and grief. Which ones are particularly popular? How do firms typically use these resources?
In addition to the typical booklets on the loss of a spouse, parent, child, and pet, we have several new booklets that promote the value of funerals and cemeteries. Specifically, we have booklets titled: “Why Use a Cemetery?” “How Cemeteries Help Us Grieve” “Why Have a Funeral?” and “Why Plan Ahead?”. Our clients appreciate that they can offer the booklets and have the information come from outside expert.
You have an innovative partnership with Tukios … tell us about it.
I’m pleased to offer my 65-video GriefPlan program that helps the bereaved heal, remember and rebuild after loss through Tukios. For a dollar a day, Tukios clients can have the GriefPlan program embedded on their website. This also includes digital versions of all my grief support booklets. The program and booklets are free for families and don’t require any registration.
Some professionals worry that offering grief resources feels “salesy.” How do you frame grief education as service rather than marketing?
I believe that most grief resources should be provided to everyone in the community. When it is offered to everyone, it feels like a genuine offer instead of a step in the sales process.
Why is permanent placement so important psychologically, even when families don’t realize it at the time of death?
I believe cemeteries are unique places in our society. For example, if you were to drive through a cemetery and saw one person kneeling at a grave reading a letter and saw another person sitting on a blanket and dabbing their eyes with a tissue, you wouldn’t think that was weird. But if those people were doing that in a city park or at a bus stop, we would question their mental health. Ideally, cemeteries should be this uniquely welcoming space where it is normal and healthy to conduct private rituals and have personal moments. When there is no permanent place for this to happen, I worry where the bereaved will go to have these moments – and if they will have them at all.
What happens emotionally when urns stay in closets or garages for years?
When an urn stays in a closet or garage for years, it creates several problems. One, it robs the bereaved of a place to go to process their grief. There may be a niece or nephew who wants to honor their uncle. Perhaps there is a person who was a young co-worker who feels gutted by the loss of their mentor.
Second, it degrades the emotional significance of the urn and what it is. It’s difficult not to lump the urn in with the box of old shoes when they are sitting on the same shelf in the garage. I hate the idea that we are losing a sense of reverence for our family.
Third, it creates a burden for whoever eventually must deal with the urn. In the right setting, I’ll say, “Your great-niece doesn’t want your urn, nor should she be burdened with it.” But that eventually is where it may end up, or worse, in a thrift shop.
How can cemeteries better communicate their value — not just as real estate, but as healing spaces?
I think cemeteries would be well-served to remember that they primarily serve the living – and it is the living who make all future decisions. If we make it welcoming and easy for them to have meaningful experiences there, they will intuitively hope that their descendants will also benefit from that. But we need to do our part to make the cemetery as welcoming as possible and create healing spaces.
Many deathcare professionals are hesitant about apps and social media in grief. What does the psychology say about digital touchpoints after loss?
Most of the research shows that people can have very powerful moments – even when they are digital. Furthermore, online and digital services can be accessed any time or day. While in-person grief groups are wonderful, many people may not fit the schedule or may not be able to reach them. What I like about the Healing Path System is that it combines the best aspects of a digital resource (accessed at any time, at home or in the cemetery, etc.) with an emphasis on being connected to the physical space of the cemetery.
How can funeral homes and cemeteries use social media to support grieving families without being intrusive or tone-deaf?
The most important lesson is to be aware of the ratio of your messaging. I see so many funeral homes and cemeteries that have 50-95% of their social media posts talking about their options and preplanning. The truth is that most people are not in a preplanning frame of mind most of the time. But they have likely experienced a loss and welcome messages about inspiration and grief. I think a more appropriate balance is about 80% of your messages should be focused on connecting with the bereaved and 20% of your posts can then leverage that trust to focus on your options and preplanning. Many deathcare businesses have that ratio flipped and it results in no one following your accounts or engaging with your content.
If a funeral home wanted to improve its grief support in the next 90 days, where would it start?
A funeral home could improve its grief support in the next 90 days by taking these 4 steps:
1) Create a list of local grief groups and resources in the community – no matter where they are offered. Type up a list and have it sitting out in the common areas of the funeral home and on their website.
2) Offer grief resources in the common areas. In addition to my booklets, I would also recommend the In-Sight resources created by Doug Manning. Let local community centers, hospice organizations and grief groups know that you are offering these resources.
3) Review your social media content and adjust your posts to focus primarily on connecting with families instead of pitching to them.
4) If you want to go a step above, offer a professional speaker to provide a training for local hospice professionals, clergy and mental health professionals – as well as a community seminar for the bereaved families in the community. This will remind the community that you want to serve as a resource for their long-term grief journey. As a result of these programs, I have seen amazing results with building relationships between the sponsoring funeral home and local faith communities and hospices.
Why are you so passionate about serving funeral homes and cemeteries … what keeps you in this space when you could be in private practice or teaching at a college?
I started and continue working with funeral homes and cemeteries because it was a perfect win-win-win situation.
Bereaved families feel lost and unsupported, and funeral and cemetery professionals feel misunderstood. It is personally and professionally a pleasure when I can help bridge the gap. I want deathcare professionals to serve more people and the bereaved to feel that their needs are being met – that’s the ongoing dream. I feel so privileged to work alongside so many committed professionals who work tirelessly to bring light and service to families in their darkest moments.
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