By Thomas A. Parmalee
Melissa Drake-Messina’s unexpected journey into the world of death care began more than 35 years ago.
And it began in an unexpected place: at the State University of New York in New Paltz, New York.
It was there that she met one of the profession’s pioneer consultants: Dr. Vanderlyn Pine, who also taught sociology.
“He was a wonderful teacher,” Drake-Messina recalled. “In 1990, he asked me to be a teaching assistant for him. In addition, I did some research for some publications he was working on.”
After graduating, she found herself with a job offer to work for “Vanderlyn R. Pine Associates.”
“It’s funny because the only thing I knew about him at the time, other than being a college professor, was that he owned three funeral homes,” she said.
She remembers feeling a bit nervous about working in funeral service, but she needed a job and figured it would look good on her resume. “Look at me now, some 35 years later!” she said.
“In all seriousness, how fortunate I was to get to learn about funeral service through Van’s eyes,” she said. “He was a devout death educator and fervently believed that people needed to have good funeral experiences, and that grief and bereavement were so important to the healing process for survivors.”
As someone who essentially “grew up” in the business understanding death, grief, and bereavement from a sociological perspective, Drake-Messina found herself falling in love in funeral service – and she never left.
In 1992, Vanderlyn R. Pine Associates became “American Funeral Consultants” to designate the company’s nationwide work exclusively within funeral service. Later, ownership transitioned to Drake-Messina and a fellow employee, Kathy Williams, who retired in 2021.
Today, Drake-Messina is the sole owner of the company.
FuneralVision.com recently caught up with her to find out more about what she’s learned along her most unexpected journey and why she remains so passionate about funeral service.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
I am married – it is the second marriage for both of us. We have a blended family. We each have two kids. Mine are 27 and 21. His are 29 and 25. The four of them are amazingly similar and so fun to be around, and they are a riot. I feel very blessed to say that we made this work and they are a pretty special bunch.
I love going to the gym. I watch a lot of sports. Football is my favorite, both college and NFL. We catch as many football games as possible. Don’t hate on me for this, but we are Jets season ticket holders (my husband is a defeated, albeit lifelong Jets fan). My son and I are devout Baltimore Ravens fans (I am still not over that loss to the Bills). We go to a lot of NFL football games! I am an avid NY Knicks fan and love the Yankees. I’ve also been known to catch quite a few concerts in my lifetime. I will go anywhere to see just about anyone play live in concert!
You and your former business partner, Kathy Williams, took over American Funeral Consultants almost 35 years ago when there were not all that many firms that served the funeral profession that were women-owned. Did you both see yourselves as pioneers – and did you get any pushback working in a male-dominated industry?
While he was still the owner, Van’s wife became gravely ill with a very rare disease. They travelled the world to seek medical care for her. During those years, Kathy and I unofficially took over AFC, but there was no formal succession plan at that time. Van retired after her death in 2004, and Kathy and I took over AFC at that time.
I have been at AFC for 35 years, co-owned it with Kathy from 2004 until she retired in the summer of 2021. I have owned AFC solely since then. We definitely saw ourselves as pioneers and were very proud to be women-owned. We also felt we had big shoes to fill. As you know, there are only a handful of consultants in the industry that do what we do. We felt honored to carry on Van’s legacy and continue to serve our growing list of clients. I still feel that honor today!
Our biggest challenge was becoming the new face of AFC. Van had been the face of it for so many years. He was the one making presentations and doing the large majority of the travel. Kathy and I had done the work, and while we each did a lot of site visits and attended conventions for years, we were largely considered “the girls” in the office. We never took offense to that, and it was never meant derogatorily. It was all part of the process of making our way and showing what we were capable of. The proof was in the work we did.
Most of our colleagues were (and are) pretty amazing. We had known and worked with many of them for a long time prior to taking over AFC, so while some may have quietly sat back to see if we succeeded, there was never any pushback from anyone.
How has the reception to you changed over time, particularly as it relates to being female as the profession has become more diverse?
It actually got easier for me when Kathy retired. Initially (I am not going to lie) I was a little nervous about it, but I think we tried so hard for so long to both be the face of AFC and both be here or there. We did a great job at it, but we were more known as “a pair” rather than for our individual talents. As a “pair,” I am not sure we really shook the “girls in the office” persona, even though we were much more than that. Today, I feel like I have earned my spot as “me” and I feel like that is a well-earned badge of honor. I have a lot of strengths that I am not afraid to show and that has helped me step out of my comfort zone and be bigger and better than I thought I could be. The reception to me has been amazingly positive from clients, sellers and buyers, attorneys, colleagues – it has all been extremely positive. I think as I have gotten older and more skilled, my confidence has grown and that, in turn, commands more respect and appreciation from my peers. That has been a lot of fun for me!
What do you love most about working in funeral service – what has kept you in it all these years?
The people I get to work with. When someone asks me what I do for a living, I tell them I work in funeral service and when their jaw drops a little, I don’t hesitate to tell them that I get the chance to work with some of the most amazing folks on the planet. I love being able to step in and help a business owner be a better operator, so that they can continue to do what they do best – to continue to serve their families well.
AFC is small enough that I truly get to treat every client uniquely and, in the process, forge relationships with each of them. I’d like to think that those values that Van instilled in me all those years ago are still ever-so-important in what I do every day. It is fulfilling, to say the least! I really do love what I do.
What services do you provide at American Funeral Consultants?
We work solely within funeral service. We provide business appraisals for a variety of reasons, including succession planning, estate settlement, estate planning and buying or selling. I provide buy/sell intermediary services and often represent sellers, sometimes to a particular buyer and sometimes, when there is no known buyer, I put firms on the “open market.”
Confidentiality is critical … so that is always at the forefront of what we do, no matter how big or small the assignment may be. I also work with funeral home buyers, and I have excellent working relationships with a couple of cash flow lenders and some brilliant attorneys.
With the many connections I have built over the years, I am able to assist in the process of securing a competitive loan with exceptional terms, etc. and I am also able to connect my clients with superb attorneys to best suit their legal needs.
Every situation is unique, and because of that, I often am called in to help sort out a difficult family situation or figure out the best way to forge ahead with an impactful plan of action.
What makes you different from your competitors?
My personal touch and attention to detail. My approach is different. I take the time to really listen. I invest in the process of doing what is necessary to best suit a prospective client’s individual needs. Nothing that I do is boilerplate. It is more labor-intensive to do things that way – but it serves my clients best to tailor my services to their needs. Also, for my buy/sell clients they get me directly – morning, noon, or night. Oftentimes, that’s what it takes to work through an issue or have confidential conversations when staff is not around.
My skillsets are unique – I have a lot of years of hands-on experience under my belt! With my clients, it’s them and me. We are a team – and we get it done efficiently and effectively.
You navigated your own business transition when Kathy Williams retired a few years ago. What do you miss the most about working with her – and do you two stay in touch?
I miss the camaraderie we had in the office. Kathy worked for Van before I came on board, so I met her when I was still in college. Over the years, we spent so many hours together. We really had a lot of fun working with Van and then carrying on after he retired. We traveled a lot together, shared many fun (and funny) stories, conventions, and ski trips together! Kathy is living her best life – traveling with her husband and daughters to places she never thought she would see.
How did you structure and navigate that transition from a business point of view? Did everything go smoothly?
Well, COVID really played a big part in speeding up Kathy’s retirement. Just prior to COVID, she had already scaled back to part-time and had begun what was to be a slow transition into retirement. After all, she had worked at AFC for about 50 years, and most certainly had put her fair share of time in. During COVID, we had to figure out a new way to operate remotely, and it became way more tech-dependent than it had ever been. The technological evolution of AFC took the fast-track as I figured out ways to keep us functioning in new (and improved) ways during 2020. As we approached 2021, we both knew it was time to accelerate the process of her retirement. Our transition went smoothly, and AFC didn’t skip a beat. Having our own succession plan all in place (even though it was expedited) made the transition seamless.
What are some mistakes that you see funeral home owners make when going through a business transition?
#1 Procrastination and the lack of planning. Succession planning is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Don’t wait until you are burnt out or have a catastrophic illness. Put a plan in place before the need arises.
#2 Trying to “go it alone.” There is a lot to do, and if you have to also continue to do your day job to maintain your business and keep it entirely confidential, it is almost impossible to do it all successfully and get yourself the best possible deal in the process.
#3 Know the value of your firm. Not a guestimate – that is not going to work. Have it appraised, so that you know its real market value! Whether as a part of your succession plan or not, there are steps you can take to make your business stronger and more desirable.
#4 Recognize that there often is a lot of emotion involved in selling. It can be bittersweet. If you don’t spend the time working through the emotion of it, you are doing yourself a disservice. Additionally, if you don’t work through it as a part of your plan, you are likely to have a negative experience with post-sale regrets or cold feet just prior to the sale.
What are a few things that a funeral home owner should be thinking about in order to improve the value of their business in preparation for a sale?
1.) Owner-discretionary expenses – you don’t have to eliminate them, but you do need to keep track of them, so they can be accounted for. They are add-backs, but only if you can prove them.
2.) Same with one-time non-recurring expenses. These are typically things like buying a new car, or repairs/maintenance items such as roof repair, new windows, paved the parking lot, etc. Keep track of these expenses annually, so they can be added back to your cash flow when it is time to sell.
3.) Maintain your building well. If a buyer comes for a site visit and you say it is “turnkey,” but they walk in and the carpet, draperies, wallpaper, and furniture is circa-1972, the buyer is going to immediately start tallying up how much it will cost them to renovate – and that figure is going to come off the top of their offer. That might be considered an exaggeration, but the overall look of your facility and grounds are critical, and any obvious deficiencies to be remedied will be reflected in the proposed purchase price.
Is there a particular book you’ve read recently that you would recommend business owners/professionals read? What is it and why?
I have a handful of appraisal books, a lot of M&A and leadership books, they are not very exciting, yet they are my go-to resources.
For funeral fascination and fun (again, not very fun for most folks) – two recent adds to my collection are “The Good Funeral: Death, Grief, and the Community of Care” by Thomas Lynch and Thomas Long. And one I picked up at a funeral convention … “One Block West of the White House” – it is an interesting/fascinating read. I have a lot of Van’s personal collection of old books like “Caretaker of the Dead” and “Funeral Customs the World Over.” I love the history of death (and death care) in American Society – so if had to pick two from my “Van Pine collection”- those are my favorites.
Do you have any final thoughts you’d like to share?
We are fortunate to have so many valuable resources in funeral service. I get to work with some state and local associations in my home state of New York and the Northeast, and I find that they are working hard to do more and provide more for their members and collaborate with neighboring states to find new ways to impact funeral service in positive ways. That is measurable and exciting to see.
We have available at our fingertips so many resources for funeral news, updates, outstanding educational opportunities and so forth. Now more than ever, it seems there is a tremendous amount of support within the profession.
It is my hope that we can continue to build upon our system of death-care education (mortuary schools and continuing education alike) and attract new entrants into the field and have a better retention of those that have already stepped in the roles of a funeral professional.
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